Thoughts

There's so much going on inside my head.
I don't know up from down, left from right, inside from out.
I don't know how I feel anymore. One minute I'm happy and ready to go.
The next I just want to be left alone with my tears.
Is this more of sophmore year? Or am I at a crossroads in my life?
I don't know what to think anymore. There's always someone around trying to influence my thought,
Either consciously or unconciously I don't know, I don't care, people are just always around.
I don't know who I am anymore. There are times that I think I do, but then something happens and everything I thought I knew just flies out the window.
I can't do it.... the thought makes me cry.
The thought of hurting someone again, knowing what happens,
It tears my heart in two and the tears build and fall without my wanting.
I can't lose... but can we ever go back?

Can I just step out of my skin?
Can I just step away from the situation and take an outsiders perspective?
For that matter, can I just take a couple swigs, forget it ever happened and fake out?
No, I guess not. I guess it doesn't work that way.
I wish it could, I wish it would.

In times when I should be in bed, look and see what I do:
Writing letters, and writing poems,
Trying to find what I'm really all about.
And failing.
Totally distracting myself from the problem at hand,
It's the only way I know how to survive anymore.
That's right, more running away. More avoidance, but that's what it's all about right?
Looking in the mirror, I see the reflection of a person I don't know anymore.

Sit up straighter, work out more, make more money, lose some weight...
That's what everyone else wants, why shouldn't I?
Stretch and pull, pluck and straighten, who is that girl?
Who is that girl that everyone has pulled in a million directions to get what they want?
Who is she?
Where is the girl that use to look back at me?
What happened to the person who was perfect in her imperfections?
Can that girl be loved? Can that girl be recognized? Can that girl be found?

I cried tonight, long and hard, for the first time in ages.
I don't pick up on signs or signals, I'm obviously not that observant.
Just tell me straight out! What do you want from me?! What do you want me to do?
Will you answer me? Will you pay attention to my plea? My cry out to you?
I don't know what to do anymore! I don't know what you want of me!
I JUST DON'T KNOW!

Am I done for the night? Probably not. It's 2:15.
Will I go to bed? Probably not.
I'll sit at my computer, pouring my heart into xanga, or blogger, only to delete it the second it's published.
Oh well, it's what I do.
In the eyes of the public, there's nothing wrong with me.
In the eyes of the public, I fit in, when in reality...
I don't.