Tired

I'm tired.
I'm tired of all the crap.
I'm tired of the hurt, sick of the lies and I don't want to keep going through this.
I want my prince to come.
I want my prince to come and rescue me.
To take me far away from this life and these people,
To his castle where he would protect me forever.
I want the crap to end, and the real to start.

I don't want the "I love you, but don't really mean it."
I don't want the "I like you a lot, but not enough to treasure you forever."
I want the "I love you because I love you, no strings attached."
I want the real thing.

I don't want to cry over this.
I don't want to feel bad about myself.
I don't want to be mad at anyone.
I don't want to feel anything.
I want to sit and forget that he ever happened to me.
To forget all the time that was spent with him and thinking of him.
But I can't.
I can't just ignore all of that, it won't happen.

But I can live through this.
I've done it before, I can do it again.
I haven't been broken yet, just torn a little more.
But one day that prince will come and mend all the tears in my heart.
One day I will be rescued and taken away from this life,
Taken away from these boys who like to play.
One day I will be rescued by the only one who can hold my heart.

My Bagel

All I wanted was my bagel, with the cream cheese, and just my bagel.
Where the tears came from, I still don't know, but the aching is back,
The pain that radiates through my entire body is back.
This is what just the thought of you can do to me,
I can't even enjoy a simple bagel.

I didn't expect this, I didn't plan this, and God knows I didn't want this
But I don't think I got a choice, a chance to vote, or a time to let lose my voice.
I'm not talking about the bagel anymore, as it lies cold and hard on the floor,
Look in this mirror, see your face reflected,
This is what I'm talking about.

I thought it would get easier as time went on, apparently I was wrong.
Apparently I was wrong about everything, from me to you to the world at large.
Time doesn't make it better, time can make it worse, time can make it cut.
Time can make it stab at you at the most unexpected times.
So that you can't even enjoy a simple bagel.

My friends tell me that it is time to move on, and as much as I want to believe them, I can't.
I can't let your memory go, I can't get out of this rut that I've fallen into.

The hall is silent tonight, except for the rhythmic tapping of the keys and the hiss of the air conditioner.
It's quite the contrast to my heart and mind at the moment, as each screams at the other.
They haven't been at peace for some time, and it throws me into moods where I don't know up from down.

But then I get those days, those moments when the clouds clear and the sun shines down on my face.
The times when I know that it has to and will get better.
The times when I'm completely surrounded by friends that I love and that I know love me.
The times when God himself is looking down and placing His hand on my shoulder to guide me, when He let's me walk by His side.
See, I know He won't desert me, won't turn His back and walk away.
I know He carries me through times that I don't think I can make it, when the snakes are biting at my heals and the stones are cutting my feet.
I know this because I've made it this far, and I plan to keep going.
I know this because I can now pick up my bagel, and dance around the room to the music on the radio,
And I know that tomorrow is going to be beautiful.